It was leaking. I was leaking. I was trying to figure out why my cup couldn’t stay full, and why couldn’t I feel the way that I so used to make other feels. Had my gift not worked on myself? You see people were pouring into me, they were. Giving me droplets of what they had left, but for some reason what was being poured into could never make its way to the top for me to drink from it. I kept wondering why my spirit and my heart kept longing for a thirst that I thought I was quenching, but you see my cup had a hole in it. I was so busy pouring into others in overdrive, that I had actually become blind to the people that were standing around my cup. No one informed me that the same cup that I use to pour into others, should not be the cup that people were pouring into me. So on those days where I was pouring and pouring, and pouring, those desperately seeking to get what I was dispensing, I hadn’t even realized that they were doing anything necessary so they could to get what was in the cup. Pulling, Dropping, Tearing away at something so valuable that I was already trying to give them. I hadn’t even realized that I was encountering people who were slowly destroying the very gift that was already there.
But you see people, sometimes only want the prize inside the cracker jack box, not the popcorn itself. Leaving me with the scraps of the very cup that was supposed to have been mine in the first place. So when it came time for me to pour into myself with the cup that I thought others were pouring into me, I was still empty. You see because my cup had a hole in it.
…in this dreadful world of social media, many people can be fooled into thinking that everyone is winning, It seems as though every time you look online, another one of your “friends (which is actually people that you honestly don’t even know) is posting another post receiving tons and tons of congratulations. Day by day, you see another “Just Engaged!”, or another “We Just SIGNED!” or a new small business posting a lucrative sales post. Day by day, you are just witnessing people in one of the happiest times of their lives. And trust me, trying to be happy for them, but sadly a part of you that is actually human can be exhausting when you are excitedly awaiting your big news. Anxiously awaiting when you will meet the person of your dreams, or the date where you can finally walk across the stage because all your friends have graduated, or even the breakthrough you awaiting because you have been working on your business idea for months now, and nothing is working. It can definitely be discouraging, to say the least, to stay positive and anxiously awaiting for the blessings and things that have your name on them, when you are constantly seeing people in their winning season. But what you fail to actually realize is that you are actually seeing the aftermath of their “We Regret To Inform You…” season.
You ever applied to a job that you know you were well qualified to get? You get a call for an interview. You KILL the interview, shoot you actually get a second interview. You are so confident about the new position, especially since you and the interviewer were conversing about how well you would fit in. You are already marking your calendar for your paycheck days, and then it happens. You receive the dreadful email that makes many of our stomach drops when it flashes across our screen. “We Regret to inform you…” And all you keep thinking is “How? I kilt it!” You see the “We Regret To Inform You” season is what many people go through before the Peak of their winning season. Those are the seasons (emails) that many don’t show, so it will appear as though they don’t have them. And it not that they hide them intentionally, but some of those seasons can be very painful, and truthfully hard to expose. The feelings and emotions that come alive of trying to manifest something that keeps not working in your favor, can be gut-wrenching. Just like the feeling of going for a great job, and not getting it. Remember? You see, it opens up a vulnerability that many people don’t like to display because it reveals a hardship that some are working diligently to overcome. It’s so important to remember that we have no idea what someone’s “We Regret to Inform You…” season looked like before the Congratulations! I think that one of our greatest blessings and triumphs come after we are able to celebrate others when they are experiencing their achievements. Are you observing others with an envy heart? Are you being a blessing or an attribute to others, even when they aren’t being one to you?
It’s important to understand that we have to be empathetic to realize that we don’t really know how many losses people may have taken, before the big win that we actually have the privilege to see. Everyone has “We Regret To Inform You…” seasons of transitions that will be filled with lost, trials, tribulations, and difficulties…however the beauty is that abundance, prosperity, and overflow will come soon after in the “We Are Excited To Have You!” season.
when he thinks she isn’t there
That voice you hear way back in the crowd
Way beyond the doubt, and confusion
Plays a sound of unfamiliarity
Her voice is a pure, sweet, and safe sound
He is anxiously awaiting for her to show up
Because clarity is what she brings
The doors are finally open, but the crowd rushes right past her
In front are obstacles that he can’t see she is facing
She’s trying to fight the crowd to get to the front
just for you
To display a picture that he couldn’t have drawn himself
Because it she was the missing piece to the canvas
She’s trying to get to the front
Just for you
Yelling, pleading, shamelessly feeling defeated
But because she displayed an art you hadn’t seen before
You couldn’t see her
And she was standing right behind you
You were only taught to hear the loudest voice
And not the softest
So, her voice got casted out
By the past familiarity of him hearing what was always wrong
He couldn’t hear
That pure, sweet, but safe sound of calmness she brought
Diligently through all complications and roadblocks, she manages to push through
So ecstatic that she made it
Front and center
Just to see you
Support you in ways you have never known
Because nobody ever showed up
Just for you
But you see
she did show up
front and center
just for you
but its hard to spot out what you’ve never seen before
But now he is gone
He was saddened by the thought that no one showed up
But he failed to see that she was right there
front and center
just for you
fighting trying to get to the front
while the whole crowd keeps pushing her to the back
…You were just a kid. You were not prepared to live a life that you had no prior experience. I would hope you have really understood that you were not to blame. Dysfunction was normal, so when peace came, you ran away. But you ran in the wrong direction, into the wrong hands. Not understanding that people knew your weakness. But see, you were just a kid. I really want you to understand that you were a kid. Innocence was stolen but never returned. I just really wished you didn’t slowly fade away. You lost yourself. You drifted away from where no one could find you. I wanted you to realize that you could not mask the pain of emptiness. It was there, right in front of you, and you failed to realize it. But you see that’s what happens when you lack guidance that you are supposed to get from adults. I wish you would have understood that you could not change your surroundings. You had no control over what was going around you because you were a kid Shaurice. A Child, who was incapable of taking care of herself…and you were not supposed to be equipped to know how.
You were smart Shaurice, practically brilliant! You were beautiful, full of gifts and charisma gave to you from the Most Highest. You didn’t need him to tell you that. He knew you desired love, so he used it against you. But you see, you can’t express an emotion that wasn’t there. Don’t blame yourself for having to grow up so fast. You were just being prepared for a race, that unfortunately you still didn’t win…damn. I just wanted you to see the testimony in the trauma. But its kind of hard to see the sunshine while the clouds are following you. Stop apologizing for the immature mistakes that you weren’t taught were actual mistakes. Consider those test runs. Allow your mind to understand that you didn’t miss out on a childhood, but you instead were on a journey that prepared you for an amazing adulthood. Release those hurts and pain because they will truly paralyze you when you get older. You used the only tool that molded you into the delicate queen you are now – even though that tool was Pain.
We seem to be living in a world where childhood traumas, unfortunate circumstances, poverty, etc. are taking its tolls on so many of us and are affecting how we eventually grow up into adulthood. Many would think that people will use those challenges to make the best out of life and become a version of themselves that others will not recognize. They will use those disadvantages that they faced in their childhood as motivation to excel because they want to see what can happen when you do not let obstacles from traumas hold you back from exceeding your purpose. The On the downside of that, you have those other people. The “Woe is me, woe is me” individuals. The people who will literally use those same stones that were stoned as a clutch for every single part of their life. Constantly blaming misfortunes due to past hurt and becoming offended when others around them won’t be in agreeance with them. You see, you control how you choose to heal every aspect including how long it takes you, and exactly the way in which you choose to heal.
…because I was that person continuously blaming all my failures and misfortunes in my traumatic childhood, and was doomed into believing that those years of suffering was the reason behind my future. I would then become so easily offended at individuals who didn’t come to my pity party because they didn’t “understand me” .I was believing the enemy lie that things are not manifesting in their life because of the circumstances and cards they were depth growing up. But an unpopular opinion is that, at some point in our lives, the pity party we throw ourselves must stop. You see, we do not have control over what happens to us; we cannot control the inevitable and hurtful situations that are ordained in our lives, some things are just going to happen. BUT, it is our, (yes re-read that) OUR responsibility to heal ourselves and separate from the agony of the pain inflicted on us. It is important to understand that no one will care about your healing but you, and it is your obligation to give yourself the peace that your spirit has spent years lacking.
What we must learn to accept is that we will eventually have stop blaming our parents who were not there, the relationship that didn’t end well, the betrayal from a best friend, etc. etc., and learn to look at the lessons while being on that journey that those traumatic situations have taught us. We all have choices, and you can either choose to sit in the agony of what you can not change or enjoy the journey of healing yourself to become a better version of yourself that you have never seen before….
One of the most popular quotes that we tend to give when we don’t want to explain ourselves about a situation that obviously needs explaining is “what’s understood, doesn’t have to be explained.” Society has created the need to make you feel as though you must explain your decisions and choices that you make in life IF they tend to differ from the norm. Innocently, we often find ourselves explaining the very choices we made so that people can see “how it makes sense” but you see, who really CARES if it does not, especially if the choices you made does not affect anyone but YOU.
In an “unapologetic world,” we often find ourselves apologizing for having boundaries and or making choices that are not always popular. This may be because there is a desire deep down to appease individuals who believe that our own boundaries and life choices are wrong. But what are you explaining in the first place? Are you trying to explain why you think anyway?!- or are you trying to explain why others should do it another way? — (did you catch that?) It is important to understand that the best decision made is the decisions you made confidently having a made-up mind about it. Too many times we often shift or change our decisions because we have received poor and strong opinions from people who are closest to us. Now I am not saying that we should not care or consider what others who love us think however I AM SAYING just that. You see, we are the only ones responsible for our own life decisions and choices, not our parents, nor our children. The cards we may be dealt in an unjust life has nothing to do about making better decisions for our lives currently. So, when something is done against the grain, STOP EXPLAINING. period. There is no other way or form to speak it. We must learn and understand that when you are running your own race, the opinions of others do not matter. It is funny, because those same people you spend so much time trying to convince and get them to understand your boundaries, those exact people aren’t explaining their limitations or themselves to anyone…
It is important to understand that we must have confidence in our convictions in all that we do, and not apologize for our decisions. Apologizing for your own desires and the fulfillment that it brings is a disservice to SELF. It is important to understand that we are the ones who have to settle with our decisions in our life, so why do we consider so many other people’s opinions when it doesn’t affect them at all? It underlies a great feeling of acceptance, appreciation, and validation we crave from others that we think we need so bad…BUT WE DON’T!
We live in a society where social media has a platform that many people are so desperately trying to stand on. Everywhere we turn there are women who glamorize for showing nothing but a piece of dental floss as a swimsuit, or those couples who so affectionately showcase their love “too much” to your liking because You are actually bitter and single, or even sometimes that Facebook friend that continuously broadcast their new home, new car, and or new job and it looks as though life is going great for her. BUT what you DONT see on that invisible platform we glamorize all too much is that woman is secretly crying out for help due to deep insecurities and lack of self-care, or that couple you envy is actually in a very unhealthy and toxic relationship which should have ended years ago, or that woman is always showcasing her “accomplishments” because she is deeply needing validation from people because she didn’t receive the proper care of cheering from her childhood. Too many times we are comparing our lives to others, who would switch with us in heartbeat! Too many people are creating an image that glamorizes the pleasures of our lives, but secretly hide and are ashamed of the pain that life has brought us also – which can give a false feeling that struggle does not exist.
Too many people are looking at other people lifestyle, and constantly comparing it to their own – which can sometimes a deep level of not being satisfied with their own life; especially if the other party life is perceived better. But did you see the word perceived? Perception can be deceptive if you’re not careful in your “observation. You are comparing your life to others who in all honesty do not have that much more than you! We are so hard on ourselves and we fall victim to taking criticism from people around us who do not even have any reliable credits!
We must be more invested in running our own race because it is OURS. No one else. Understanding that you should not be in competition with anyone; even if people are secretly competing with you… (Did you catch that?) It is important to understand that there are no timelines or no specific stop on our journey where pain or trials and tribulations will stop. If we took the time to ENJOY OUR OWN LIFE genuinely, intensely, and unapologetically, and all that it throws us we would not have the time, energy, or concern to focus or compare our lives to others. So instead of trying to figure out what size gym shoe, someone else wears go to the store and get YOU a new pair to wear for your own race.
Often times I wonder who is really happy? And I don’t mean who is making the most money, or has the most attractive spouse, or even the biggest house in the neighborhood…but legitimately happy? The feeling of happiness that you are exactly where you want to be in life, doing exactly what you want to do and the feeling of that undeniable joy is unexplainable? It seems legitimately easy, right? The problem is that it is one of the most unattainable feelings to get and I think it because no one wants to do what makes THEM happy anymore. Isn’t it crazy that people will Sacrifice their own peace and self-satisfaction for the approval of others? When those same people aren’t sacrificing their goals and or happiness to appease you?
We have so many internal battles within ourselves when it comes to whats best for US! But isn’t it crazy that we can be fighting ourselves for the best ultimate decision for ourselves? You would think you know what you want right? For example, If it was up to me, I would have never gone to college…(yes yes I know) But, instead, I went because I thought it would make my family proud. Having an accomplishment that now 7 years and thousands and thousands of dollars in debt later, I’m in a career field where the degree doesn’t even matter or even pertain to what I went to school for in the first place. Society tells us to do what we want to do, but in the same breath will tell us “but not like that though.” It is important to understand that we ultimately are the ones who have to settle with our decisions in our life, so why do we consider so many other people’s opinions when it doesn’t affect them at all? It underlies a great feeling of acceptance, appreciation, and validation we crave from others that we think we need so bad…BUT WE DON’T!
What we often forget is that not doing what truly makes us happy will ultimately leave the feeling of emptiness, resentment, and regret in our hearts in the end. You are the only one who will have to deal with the choices of your life and it is important we remember that when we are making them! Because at the end of the day you gotta do what’s best for you!
I think we got used to how good it sounded as it rolled off our tongue each and every time…”I’m sorry.” Think about it, every time you got an incline in “your mind” that you were reacting wrongly, it flowed out so effortlessly – “I’m sorry.” Accepting ownership that wasn’t ours to take over in the first place, but it’s what we do best. I think as women we are taught to be apologetic at all times, even when our own integrity or moralities could be compromised; and that is where the urgency to rectify what’s not wrong with you needs to STOP! It is absolutely foolish to apologize for behaviors that were inflicted by someone else which inevitably made you who you are at this very moment. It is because of our struggles and our breakthroughs that make us who we are…so why do we apologize for it? We as women have become so conditioned to follow-up every flaw, mistake or embellishment of pain perceived by others with “I’m sorry”, because the remembrance of our imperfections, sometimes we simply cannot bare.
It is important for us to stop apologizing for our actions and especially our emotions that were caused by someone else who never uttered the words “I’m sorry.” Thinking back on previous conversations I have had people I’ve dated, I always found myself apologizing for my high sensitivity. I felt as though me apologizing would soften their perception of me so they wouldn’t think I was overly emotional. But you see, I AM! I had to get to a place of not wanting to accept that part of my mental makeup because that is ultimately who I was as a person. It goes back to not wanting to accept flaws of you that are actually NOT flaws. We as women overly apologize to avoid the criticism and disapproval from others before it even occurs; in a conscious wish to placate and please them at the same time. In one sense rejecting the “rejection” before it even occurs (if there is even one!) It is a defense mechanism that puts an emphasis on us being flawed, but also forgetting we are human.
Now, I’m not saying in no way apologies are not needed, because right is right and wrong is wrong; that’s a given. However, continuously apologizing for our individuality and creative sense of warmth, passion, sensitivity, or even emotional qualities are traits that we can no longer be sorry for.